I first heard cats talking about the "commercialization of hip-hop" well over a decade ago (damn I'm old), and I thought that phrase was only its increased popularity. "But, isn't that a good thing?" I often thought to myself. I mean, what could be wrong with people making a living from rap? And, when thought of in that respect, it is a very good thing. People no longer just do it as a hobby; you can actually make a living off of something you love. Granted, that movement was well before my time, probably circa the mid 80s when the Run-DMC's and KRS-One's were making their names known in the mainstream media. But if history has taught us anything, it's that the hard labor of older generations bears rewards that eventually are seen as privileges, and ultimately as rights. It bothers me a lot that KRS-One spent several years sleeping on park benches before he "blew up" (used loosely because I bet most people couldn't name more than three songs by him), while Soulja Boy Tell 'Em got a Grammy nomination for Crank Dat in 2007. Sigh.
I just feel like rappers now just follow fads, and have their entire styles cookie-cut from whatever most recently is in style. Take the whole "New Cool" movement, for example. I feel like this came from Lupe Fiasco, for the most part, and then suddenly sprung up a whole lot of rappers who wore hipster clothes, had alternative tastes in music (not really alternative anymore), and were very different from what you're used to. The quintessential "rebel without a cause, but if they DID have a cause it would be 'to be a rebel without a cause.'" Not that I have a problem with that, because I appreciate that Lupe does it. However, this isn't all he's about; he's still an excellent lyricist, which is what rap is supposed to be about in the first place right? Even worse, with absolutely no reason for it, these rappers exude this douchebag sense of entitlement, like "I'm too cool for rap but I'm gonna do it anyway"(I'm not calling it cockiness, because that implies that you're not doing it on purpose, and for some reason people like to be arrogant pricks). There are lots of other fads that are exploited ad nauseum, like every rapper's claim they don't write down lyrics. Oh really? Biggie was the first person I heard that did it, which is why he didn't have 40 singles come out after his death; then there was Jay-Z, then there was Lil' Wayne, T.I., Ne-Yo, Rhianna, Yellowcard, Paul McCartney, and so on. First off, I'm not really that impressed by people who don't write down lyrics; I mean they have to have a great memory, but who's to say that you don't spend as much, if not more time thinking them up as someone who cares to write them down? And it's not nearly the same as freestyling, which shows your dexterity and ability to think on your feet. I mean, if I write a song in a half-hour, and you spend two days trying to create lyrics without writing them down, and my verses are better, I'm still a better rapper. Which is why Eminem (in his prime) ranks in my top 5, but Jeezy doesn't. Budden says, "The more rappers said they didn't write down lyrics, the more it started to sound like they didn't." Do your listeners a favor, and write down your lyrics, just every once in a while. You may actually create a verse that gives you a reason to call yourself the best rapper alive.
The worst fad of all, in my opinion, is "Swag," since it extended well outside of the realm of just music, and now everyone adopted it. (see: pink tees, and throwback jerseys) Everyone claims to have it, no one has swag like them, etc. etc. Even now, check your friend list: I'm sure at least 10% of your friends talk about swag somewhere in their profile or status. "Da sWagG iZ ofFicIaL" or some sh*t like that (Damn that was painful to write). Everyone talks about they have it, and strangely enough they look and act like everyone else who also has it. Like, you can't claim to have swagger because you dress like Jim Jones. First of all, this picture makes him look like a bum that jacked a Louis scarf from an old lady, and attempting to be like that, or any other famous person you see isn't swagger at all. The word used to refer to confidence in style. Now it's like the opposite, something you have to say about yourself 40,000 times for people to give to you. It's gotten so bad, I feel like Jay-Z, someone who arguably popularized it, is using it more so he can stay relevant, based off of "Jockin' Jay-Z" and the two versions of "Swagger Like Us" he'll be on. And as far as rap itself goes, it just seems to be an excuse for an ass rapper to be an ass rapper, because you don't like them for their lyrics, you like them for their swag. I don't know about you, but I'm not about to pay 17 bucks for someone's swag; I can't listen to swag on an Mp3 player. So I'm officially calling for the retirement of "swagger" and all things related, including the Old Spice deodorant. While I'm at it, I also call for the retirement of Auto-Tune, because that sh*t's just terrible.
A Message to All Rappers and Fans of Rap Music
The Boy From Big Business is Back or: The Winter of my Discontent
After taking off the whole of October for no reason at all, Ask-a-Robot is back to its regularly scheduled programming, keeping in mind that there is no schedule. Anyhow, I would be remiss if I didn't recap the last few weeks, as eventful as they were. Let's see if I can keep this under 40 words: 5 Weeks of Review!*
Bailout.
Bobby McFerrin becomes 10000th artist to remix SLU.
Political master debators have at it a few times.
Sarah Palin on SNL.
Phillies win World Series.
NBA season!
Halloween.
Obama wins election, Ciroc Obama can stfu (finally)
Michael Crichton died.
Damnit. I was so close.
Now that I've gotten that out the way, regular blogging can take place.
This may very well be the winter of my discontent. Over the last few weeks I've heard a few more singles from Kanye's upcoming 808's and Heartbreak, including "Heartless" (my favorite track so far). The others I've heard, "Robocop" and "Coldest Winter"...eh. Then again, my ears are probably jaded since everyone else has already used the Auto-tune thing on guest verses, and he's used it on a couple guest appearances himself. So the idea of an album full of Love Lockdowns doesn't appeal to me. In the least. So, next.
Another highly anticipated (I use the term loosely) album is 50 Cent's Before I Self Destruct. I've only heard the one track "Get Up," which seems to be another one of his uncanny "I go hard" type club songs. And while it gets the job done in that respect, it's still a far shot from "I Get Money", one of few redeeming tracks from Curtis's Curtis, and that speaks volumes. Maybe I liked him more because I wasn't hearing his name/seeing his face all the damn time, which apparently won't change anytime soon. Next.
Jay-Z, in a very Brett Favre fashion, is releasing another album this winter, Blueprint 3. Hip Hop's Iron Man is supposedly releasing his 11th studio album sometime in early December. The nickname is fairly accurate, as they are both known for their proclivity for "touchdowns", number of interceptions, and seeming inability to gracefully retire. Don't get me wrong; "History" is pretty raw, but he only had the 2nd hardest verse on SLU by default. Even worse, I feel like Jockin' Jay-Z is only popular because of the beat, something that's supposed to happen to Lil Boosie or Hurricane Chris. If you find yourself saying that about someone who's supposed to be one of the GOATS, that doesn't bode well for the next LP.
But there is hope, albeit not in album form; Notorious is supposed to hit theaters January 16th. From what I've seen in trailers and what not, it looks like it'll be worth seeing in theaters. I've never seen the cat who's playing Biggie before, but although he doesn't look like him, he does a damn good impersonation. Derek Luke plays Puff Daddy, and seems like he fits the part well. The movie also incorporates Pac, Faith, and Lil' Kim in what should all be interesting supporting roles. Even if it's terrible, it will be worth it to see Derek Luke pull off some of these dance moves. I'm back, bitches.
*5 Weeks of Review contains events that may/may not have actually happened, like Halloween.
Television is Dead.
The question is, whodunit? And why?
To backtrack, I came up with the question while taking some survey. The questionnaire asked "How many hours a week do you spend watching television?" and gave a list of answers, like "15 to 20 hours", et cetera. At any rate, my answer was well short of that; as of the fall, with the NFL season in full swing, I watch a game or two on sunday, and that's pretty much it, so my answer was 6 to 8 hours. That may not sound like much, but this is arguably the time of year that I watch the most... I'm into football the most out of all sports, as you don't have to search around for the games, and you don't have to have cable to get them; (for the most part) you can just turn to Fox every Sunday afternoon, order some food, and the next seven or so hours of your life are set. Good times.
But when it comes to any other time of the year, I normally don't even bother. I'll watch the sunday afternoon basketball game on NBC in the winter and early spring, but that will be it. Baseball season is even worse, I get my fill of baseball in an hour of SportCenter a week. I'll also throw in the occasional episode of Family Guy every now and then. In the past (years ago) I would have been keeping up to date with music via MTV or BET, but those networks don't even show music videos; 106 and Park doesn't count, as I just...refuse to watch it anymore. I'm not one of those "I'm too busy to watch TV" type of people (or else I probably wouldn't do this blog), or the "I'm too cool for normal entertainment" type either. In fact, I get plenty of entertainment, whether it's watching the news, a music video, an episode of The Office, a trailer for a movie to come out, or celebrity breakdown caught on tape. Only I do it through the Internet, free of commercial breaks* and home to all the porn I could ever need.
So I suppose that answers the first question at hand; the Internet killed the video star, that's for sure. But now for the "why?" In my opinion, television died with it's eyes open, because it definitely deserved that isht. There are striking parallels between the decline in music (especially hip-hop) and the decline in quality television. It all stems from some corporate executive guy (or woman; Ask a Robot is an equal opportunity site) that decided that they can get people to accept anything, provided they shove it down the viewers/listeners throats. And that's what happened; just as skilled rappers and singers slowly lost their relevance to people with tawdry affairs, perfect features and media circus lifestyles instead of talent, TV shows with substance and quality writing lost their footing in the tidal wave of reality television shows. As descendants of the Real World, all of these shows adopt mantra; force people with contrasting lifestyles (there's always one gay guy or lesbian) and backgrounds (there's always one Black or Hispanic person) to be together in front of a camera, and just let the sparks fly. I remember hearing, I believe in 9th or 10th grade, that there would be one hundred reality shows on at any given time in the next 5 years. That was actually seven or six years ago, but it totally came true; do me a favor, and scroll through the channels at any given point in the day; you'll find at least fifteen RS's. This flooding of the market with reality shows with little to no actual depth (see: Amish in the City) was quite successful for a while, and the best thing about it? No need to pay actors every week; granted, there's always some $100,000 prize at the end for someone, which seems like a lot of money to your regular Joe (or Jane) Schmo, but in comparison to what they would have to pay ANY normal actor? A small sacrifice (The entire cast of Friends, in their last season, made $1,000,000 per episode. [I know it was an iconic show, and had longevity and all that, but even shows that have only proven to be a hit for one season have to jack up the salaries of the main players]). No need to hire writers to create dialogue; just let them have at it in front of the camera. The best part is, that "grand prize" only has to go to one person; the rest of the people, no matter how entertaining, don't get anything. A brilliant money making scheme, but there was only one problem; people started to get sick of it.
I have done absolutely no research on this subject, but I estimate that television viewing is at an all time low. Its like that era in pop music, like the late 90s, early 2000s, when people no one had ever heard of mysteriously went triple platinum off the strength of one or two singles. That also worked for a while, until the whole P2P file sharing thing came about. Then you could really decide what kind of music you want, without having to shell out 17 bones to have the one song you actually liked and another hour worth of music you never listen to again. Now, if you're an artist, you're lucky to go platinum at all; and don't come with any BS, lest you pull a MIMS. The point is, the internet puts the control back with the viewer; I don't have to find shows to occupy my boring Friday night in, I can just look at archival episodes of shows on hulu or dailymotion; or watch another internets celebrity making an ass out of themselves (for free!) in a viral video. And, seriously, all the porn I could ever need. It's ridiculous, the sheer amount of porn available. Just when I thought the state of TV couldn't get any worse, apparently the government is forcing people to buy brand new digital televisions, as if we aren't in a recession, or people have actually seen digital TV. I figure to hell with that, I'll just stick with my 17-inch (nhjic); after all, I do have TrueColor. Like I said, TV is dead. Or at least brain dead.
*The asterisk is for those annoying banner ads you can't close out that make a crapload of noise, like the smileys that say "Hello?!?!" or the one woman who, for whatever reason, sounds like she's talking via the drive-thru window at Burger King to tell you you've won something. God I hate those.
R. Kelly Speaks
First of all, it's good to be back. I would have posted sooner, but stupid Blogger kept saying autosave while I was writing a post; come to find out, nothing was saved, and I lost inspiration, as I had a really good post in mind. It's a moot point now, and I'm sure I'll end up writing about it later. But now for the story at hand.
R. Kelly, in his first (and apparently only) interview about his child pornography case, finally "addressed" the sex tape from 2002. I use the term very loosely, as it didn't seem to answer any of the questions I really wanted answers to. To be honest, back when I heard about the tape in 10th grade, I didn't really believe in his innocence; I mean, this is a guy that married Aaliyah, his old protege, when she was 15 years old...I found it kind of surprising that there was no kind of prosecution then. Granted, it was annulled soon after, as Aaliyah lied about her age in order to get married, but R. Kelly knew for a fact that she wasn't 18, because he had known her for three years prior. Another thing; he honestly expected us to believe that someone who looked like him, made this sex tape, and said he was R. Kelly in order to frame him or whatever happened. I suppose the only thing worse is that people (i.e. the jury) actually did believe him. I mean, celebrities have all sorts of fake porn, where it's just a look alike, but they use a celeb's name to hook people into watching it like Paris Hilton- oh, right. Well, what about Kim Kard-...damnit this isn't helping my case. The point is, fake crap like this happens literally all the time, but this is the first time it's become so famous. Strange coincidence. Another strange coincidence is that the girl who served as Robert's urinal just happens to be the niece of Sparkle. Sparkle, an R&B singer, was yet another protege of Kells, who I'm convinced he piped while she was a teenager. The part of the interview that stuck out to me is when Toure brings up that R. Kelly's brother Kerry, and his manager both expressed concern that the Pied Piper (who ironically is also the weirdo of lore who left town with a bunch of kids) was into really young girls:
Toure - …but your brother Kerry...was not.. fired, he’s still your brother.
Kells - Yeah, he was fired.
Toure - Yeah..um, but he’s still your brother.
Kells - Doesn’t matter. He still my brother, but if he was still my brother why did he get fired?
First off, smh at R. Kelly being too stupid to understand what Toure was talking about. But it brings up an interesting point; if my brother fired me or whatever, I might call him a snake, but I sure as hell am not gonna call him a child molester just because I'm upset...gonna be hard to ask him to pass the peas at Thanksgiving after something like that. But then again, R. Kelly already tried to throw Carey under the bus by implicating that he was the guy from the tape, so I'm assuming all bridges are burned by now. At another point, Toure explicitly asks whether or not R. Kelly is into teenagers, and he couldn't say no. I'm not going to convince anyone that R. Kelly is innocent or guilty (HE didn't even say whether or not he's innocent or guilty) but I think we can all agree that he deserves to be in jail, if for nothing else, at least for those 22 chapters of Trapped in the Closet. You can watch the interview here, courtesy of RealTalkNY.
Maintenance
I want to take this time to address those damn ads on the site. I know in general people get paid to provide advertising on websites or in television programs, but I haven't seen a cent. Granted, I did get to use the template for free; but I know this Mukka Mu person isn't in cahoots(sp?) with Lasik eye surgery, or whatever widget bucks means, and neither is Blogger.com, since my friend has a site with no commercial breaks. And yes, I'm aware that the three or four people who actually even read this blog aren't going to get Lasik, especially not through this website. But I'm entitled to some money, damnit! If not, I'm getting rid of the ads permanently...now if anyone actually knows how to do that, I'm all ears, because I have no clue.
Fear and Loathing in South Miami
Fear is the path to the dark side.
Yoda's quote never rang more true for me than two years ago in South Miami. One day I was walking (admittedly at a time and place that's less than desirable) from the metro rail to my friend's apartment. At any rate, there's this guy in front of me, also walking in this poorly lit area. We're heading in the same direction, but he has a brisk pace, as I am, because like I mentioned this is not the time and place for a leisurely stroll. All of a sudden, he kind of slows up, not something I paid much attention to, but I keep up my pace. As I'm about to pass him on the sidewalk, he spins around all of a sudden and pulls a knife on me. I don't really have time to react other than putting my hands up. Just as quickly, he lets out a sigh of relief, and says "I thought you were someone else." Not exactly wanting to ask this nutjob why he was just randomly carrying a knife, or wait for whoever I was "supposed" to be to show up, I just walked ahead of him and got the hell out of there. By the next day, I pretty much forgot all about it.
The reason I thought about this now is another event, this one happened the other day. It's late at night, and I'm in need of a taxi. I didn't really feel like calling one and waiting forever, so when I saw a taxi just randomly driving, I sort of run after it. The taxi picks up speed for a little while, which pissed me off. The taxi finally slows down, and rolls down the window a crack. The driver (a woman) just starts grilling me, and I'm there sort of like, "Are you gonna give me a ride or what?" She explained afterward how she doesn't usually pick up people at that time of night in this specific part of town.
Fear is the most dangerous emotion. It makes people do things they would never normally do, out of desperation. It puts you on the verge of stabbing some random pedestrian, or driving off on someone who needs your help. It's why cops shoot at a guy for holding a cell phone, or eating a pear. I had considered getting a burner myself, for "protection." As it turns out, what I really wanted the gun for was my own fear. People claim that they aren't afraid of anything, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Everyone has something to lose, and if not, you probably don't need a gun. We all are also afraid of encountering something we don't understand. Imagine if I actually had a gun that night, walking in South Miami; it would have been a much scarier situation for the both of us. And for no reason other than fear, one man with a gun and another with a knife, who both just wanted to get home, would have been thrust into a life or death situation they weren't anticipating. I don't relish the thought of possibly shooting someone for no reason, and would take less pleasure in getting stabbed when I'm just trying to go to sleep. The track "Thieves in the Night" by Blackstar sort of threw things into perspective for me. Although I consider Kweli and Mos two of the best MCs right now, I admit that I haven't bought any of their albums. They are known for dropping gems though, and this track spoke to me, particularly Dante's. I've long since the knife incident decided not to get the gun; I suppose the money would be better used supporting people who make music like this.
Currently listening to:
"Thieves in the Night" from
Mos Def and Talib Kweli are Black Star
Black Star
I want to be famous! So I went on YouTube!!!
...This is NOT me.
I wanted to make that crystal clear, before the Grand Ole Party comes a-gunnin' for me.
This guy Kevin (aka Draft Pick), who is wise not to mention his last name, went on YouTube approximately five days ago, claiming to be the father of Bristol Palin's unborn child. If you listen to the video, there's more loopholes in his story than songs on his Myspace page, which he conveniently shouts out repeatedly in the video. What's really surprising is how many people are just eating up this story. As a matter of fact, I pointed out one of many inconsistencies, and someone went as far as to say "Clean your wax infested ears and listen again, carefully." Ouch. It just goes to show how much people believe in this. I mean, any jackass can make a video on YouTube, take this for example. And people lie on the internet via the Tube all the time; the lonelygirl15 chronicles come to mind right now, or this Zelda movie that is (not) coming out. But I digress. The only reason for this is clearly so this guy can spread the word about his questionable music, and it's working so far (150,000+ YouTube views). But for his sake, he'd better know more about the law than he does music; I'm no law student, but I believe this could qualify as slander, as he is essentially calling Sarah Palin a liar and a racist. I hope that he blows up before this story does. To show my support for DP, I'm posting a link to his Myspace myself... three times. OK, four.
Remember, Remember, the Month of September...
Yes, I completely changed the rhyme about the Gunpowder Treason (what?) and Guy Fawkes (who?) for my own selfish purposes. Big whoop, wanna fight about it? Anyway, I came up with a plan of highlighting important points in hip-hop music history. I started off on a whim, but it is surprising how much happened this month. I may end up doing this every month, but we'll see if i feel like doing this much research in October.
Eazy-E debuts with Eazy-Duz-It on September 16, 1988, helping put the West Coast's gangsta rap in the mainstream, along with N.W.A.'s Straight Outta Compton, which was released a month prior.
-Big Daddy Kane releases It's a Big Daddy Thing, his most critically and commercially well-received album on September 15, 1989. Coincidentally, Big Daddy Kane and partner Kool G Rap from the Juice Crew were main influences on Jay-Z.
-Fellow Five Percenters of A Tribe Called Quest release Low End Theory on September 24th 1991, which ranks among the most highly praised rap albums of the early 1990s. Incidentally, Nirvana's Nevermind and Red Hot Chili Peppers' Blood Sugar Sex Magik are also released on same day.
-Lawrence Parker, also known as KRS-One, releases his first solo album, Return of the Boom Bap, on September 28, 1993. KRS worked heavily with DJ Premier on the album, which is best-known for "Sound of Da Police."
-Ready to Die, the Notorious B.I.G.'s first album, is released September 13, 1994. The album is one of the first East Coast rap CDs to achieve pop status through hardcore rap, and signified the return of the crown to New York. Ready to Die sold over four million copies. Two years, to the day after this album was released...
-Tupac dies. After being shot five times in his chest, hand, and leg, Tupac was in critical condition for nearly five-and-a-half days. He ultimately died in the University Medical Center in Las Vegas on September 13, 1996. Suge Knight is sentenced to nine years for his involvement in a fight earlier that evening that led to the shooting, effectively ending Death Row Records.
-OutKast takes Atlanta-based music to a new level with their critically acclaimed Aquemini album, released September 29, 1998. The album uses a variety of different elements, such as spoken word, reggae-influenced horns, rock 'n roll guitar, and George Clinton-inspired funk.
-Jay-Z, who released The Blueprint on September 11, 2001; this is arguably Jay-Z's best commercial and critically successful album. The original release date was apparently supposed to be the 18th, but Hov decided to push it up to prevent advanced leaking. The terrorist attacks ended up heavily overshadowing Blueprint, but it still ended up multi-platinum.
-Speakerboxx/The Love Below, a double disc album from OutKast, hits stores on September 23rd, 2003. The album dispelled rumors of the groups break-up, and experimented with different musical genres to great success, selling over 11 million units (5.5 million double discs), making it one of three rap albums to do so... the other two are Life After Death and... Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em. It pains me to say it.
-Kanye West drops his Graduation album on September 11, 2007. 50 Cent's Curtis does the same, and the two have a contest to see which of them will sell the most albums in the first week. I'm not sure if it's the fact that people just didn't want Fiddy to win, or if they finally figured out that Get Rich or Die Tryin' was a one time thing; either way, Kanye wins by a landslide.
There are a few "Honorable Mention" events, like the murder of Scott La Rock (August 27, 1987), Snoop's arrest for murder (August 25, 1993), and Aaliyah's death (August 25, 2001), which occurred at the end of August. But they're important, and I hadn't thought to do this in August, so I'll mention them anyway.
The Best Video Ever
Today I'm going to take a break from the politics, despite there being so much i could have written about from this weekend. I personally get sick of everyone always having something to say about it, so instead I'm going to focus on what really matters; YouTube videos. Enjoy!
Diddy-Obama Blog...Diddy-Obama Blog...Diddy-Obama Blog...
Diddy is at it again.
In 2004 it was the Vote or Die t-shirts, which I'm sure Diddy turned in a nice profit from. Now his slogan is "Obama or Die", making his partisan stance obvious this time around. Apparently he has a vlog in which he drops "knowledge" about the the presidential election. In this latest entry, he discusses his disapproval of Senator John McCain's choice of Vice President in Sarah Palin. Watching this video makes me wonder about a lot of things. First of all, how seriously can you take P. Diddy anymore? I also can't help but think the Democratic Party are using Obama as a sort of puppet leader because he's able to get the Black vote. I mean, people are complaining about how Sarah Palin was chosen only as a cheap ruse to attract female voters; but it's also possible that he is the Democratic nominee for similar reasons? Another question is, how much these hip hop rants (see: Ludacris) are helping or hurting the election as a whole? But my main question is, "Alaska mothaf*cka?!?"
*disclaimer: there ARE Black people in Alaska, my cousin was spinning hip-hop records in Anchorage for a few years.
*disclaimer: There probably wasn't a need for the first disclaimer, as no one calls himself "Ciroc Obama" should be taken seriously anyway.
Currently listening to:
"Lapdance" from
In Search of...
N.E.R.D.
The Name's Cinco. Ocho Cinco.
It's official.
Star Fox 64 Quotes gone wrong
I, like approximately 15% of the population (comparable to the 86.1% of people who make up statistics for their own purposes) use quotes from the classic video game in my regular life. Although this will get an occasional laugh from people as cool as I am, SF64 quotes are not always appropriate. Presenting "Star Fox Quotes to Avoid During Sex."
"You're becoming more like your father."
"Geez Laweez! What is THAT?!?"
"This is horrible."
"This can't be happening!"
"Don't go dying on me!"
"I'll go it alone from here."
Crouching Tiger, Desperate Housewives or: Why 2009 will be a horrible year for cinema
I know my MS Paint skills are on point, so it's hard to tell this is fake.
According to Wikipedia (and confirmed on IMDB) 2009 is actually the Year of the Box Office Bomb. It seems as if Hollywood just plain ran out of ideas, and just decided to stick with these two mantras;
a) "Let's make a sequel...that's right...ANOTHER SEQUEL."
b) "Let's make a movie adaptation of something really old, or obscure, and just hope people come to see it."
...I have a sneaking suspicion that some of the worst movies in recent history will debut in '09, but these will probably be at the top (or bottom) of that list.
1) Fast and Furious. I actually haven't seen any of these, but when the first one came out, I
figured that America's obsession with fast
2) Dragonball. There are two (major) things wrong with this movie; first, it's about 10 years overdue...the actual Dragon Ball series goes back to the late 80's in Japan, and crossed over to the US around 1995. Since then, Dragon Ball spurned Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball GT, and probably a bunch of other manifestations that I don't watch. Second, it's live-action; anyone who has seen the show knows how ridiculous a live action movie would be; for those of you who haven't, planets get destroyed, people transform into giant ape creatures, and there's a flying cat...Good luck to whoever will be inevitably fired for green-lighting this.
3) Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Do you remember the original Street Fighter movie? (not the anime) If you don't, good; if you do...enough said. Apparently Jean Claude Van Damme even turned down a part because he's more careful in choosing his roles...whatever that means doesn't bode well for this movie.
Honorable Mention: Crank 2: Electric Boogaloo...not the actual name, but it might as well be. I thought Stratham died in the first one anyway (spoiler alert).
To be fair, there are some potentially good movies for 2009. Obviously, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince won't disappoint, and apparently Watchmen will be good; I personally thought the trailer sucked, but since it's based on the best graphic novel ever (appeared in Time magazine's best English-language novels) I'll probably give it a chance. But looking over this list again, I'm starting to wish Crouching Tiger, Desperate Housewives was real.
I Can Rap Like Lil' Wayne
"...she tell her blind bitch, and she say 'I gotta see.'"
"My world is different, like Dwayne Wayne."
"We are not the same, I am a Martian."
"I'm so far ahead of these suckers, I'm a have to start rappin' in numbers."
5. Lastly, reassure people of your own homophobia, by using slightly homoerotic lines and
"No homo." (Beginning of Lollipop)
"Feed me, feed me, feed me!!! No homo."
"I got money out the ass, no homo."
...then confuse your fans by also saying blatantly gay things, and NOT saying "no homo."
"Damn right, I kissed my daddy."
"You don't like it? N*gga f*ck you no vaseline."
"I got a b*tch with a mouth like that boy Ken Griffey."
Optional: Laugh at the absurdity of your raps, in the middle of your line, if necessary;
Add a Syrup-induced drawl that makes it impossible for people to understand what you say,